Strength to Face our Emotions in Stressful Times

emotional rapids

During turbulent times, stress is rampant and feelings are potent. The pandemic, political divide and racial tensions, each add their own traumatic turbulence. Emotions may swing widely as we ride the rapids. As Fred Rogers aka Mister Rogers says, “Confronting our feelings and giving them appropriate expression always takes strength, not weakness … It takes strength to acknowledge our anger, and sometimes more strength yet to curb the aggressive urges anger may bring and to channel them into nonviolent outlets … It takes strength to face our sadness and to grieve and to let our grief and our anger flow in tears when they need to. It takes strength to talk about our feelings and to reach out for help and comfort when we need it.”

Because we are living in high stress these days, there is a strong impact on our nervous system. The sympathetic and parasympathetic are two branches of our nervous system which are automatic and not in our direct control. In general, our sympathetic nervous system controls fight or flight. When our sympathetic nervous system is activated, we may feel anxious, afraid or angry. Our parasympathetic nervous system controls our freeze or “deer in the headlight” reactions. When this is activated, we may feel tired, unmotivated, sleepy or sluggish. These branches are designed to protect us in a life threatening crisis. Therefore, during trauma these automatic systems take over.

As emotions surge, during traumatic turbulence, it is more important than ever to acknowledge what arises and give it some attention and compassion. By saying “hello” to our feelings, we are respecting what is here now. And yes, it takes strength. By showing the courage to be with our emotions in the present moment, we can move forward.

The sympathetic and parasympathetic systems may be automatic but we can influence them. Some ways follow to balance and stabilize our nervous system. Take slow, deep breaths. As Mr. Rogers says, “reach out for help and comfort”. We can be with each other in many ways that are helpful and comforting. Spend time with people who are supportive of you. Seek out where you have the power of choice. Notice where you have control and act. Bring art and music into your life. Spend time in nature. Explore what brings you meaning and purpose. Experiment by trying something new. Try meditation, yoga or Qigong. Rest. Restore. Have fun. Be kind to yourself.

In summary, during times of high stress, emotions are likely to be intense and swing wildly. Just recognizing and accepting this is helpful as we strive for the strength to acknowledge and respect what comes. In addition, creating the space to take care of ourselves helps us safely ride the turbulent rapids of high stress and change.

solid rock after counselor

Pandemic and Still Connected

A beautifully expressed poem to reflect on as we traverse these times. We are connected even as we “social distance”.

Pandemic

What if you thought of it
as the Jews consider the Sabbath—
the most sacred of times?
Cease from travel.
Cease from buying and selling.
Give up, just for now,
on trying to make the world
different than it is.
Sing. Pray. Touch only those
to whom you commit your life.
Center down.

And when your body has become still,
reach out with your heart.
Know that we are connected
in ways that are terrifying and beautiful.
(You could hardly deny it now.)
Know that our lives
are in one another’s hands.
(Surely, that has come clear.)
Do not reach out your hands.
Reach out your heart.
Reach out your words.
Reach out all the tendrils
of compassion that move, invisibly,
where we cannot touch.

Promise this world your love—
for better or for worse,
in sickness and in health,
so long as we all shall live.

Lynn Ungar

cats sleeping near counselor

Leaf by Leaf, Letting Go

As I sit watching the leaves fall outside, I am reminded of this poem.  The trees are letting go.  What am I ready to let go of?  Where am I in this process of growing, letting go and beginning again?   We are all on this journey together.

Leaf by Leaf by Leaf

Leaf by leaf by leaf
they tumble and fall:
all my haggard hurts.

like a cottonwood tree
ever so slowly letting go,
so the heartache of my heart.

there goes a bit of sadness,
now a leaf of anger flies;
then it’s the dropping of self-pity.

the leaf of unforgiveness
takes forever to fall,
almost as long as non-trusting.

leaf by leaf by leaf
they fall from my heart,
like a tree in its own time.

old wounds don’t heal quickly,
they drop in despairing slowness,
never looking at the clock.

it seems a forever process,
this healing of the hurt,
and I am none too patient.

but a quiet day finally comes
when the old tree with no leaves
is decidedly ready for the new.

and in my waiting heart, the branches with no leaves
have just a hint of green.

By Joyce Rupp

 

Light Without Perfection

These words of wisdom from Leonard Cohen’s Anthem resonated with me.  This is a good reminder that perfection is not the goal.  Some of my bells have cracks and others ring loud and clear.  I have imperfections and I still have much to offer.   These cracks let the light in and give me what I need to start again.  What many gifts do you have to offer in spite of and in addition to imperfections?  How do you let light in?

Anthem

The birds they sang
At the break of day
Start again
I heard them say
Don’t dwell on what
Has passed away
Or what is yet to be

Ring the bells that still can ring
Forget your perfect offering
There is a crack in everything
That’s how the light gets in

Leonard Cohen

For the entire song: Anthem

Being Ourselves, We are Meant for Love and Beauty

This poem is such a great reminder that by just being ourselves, we are meant for love and beauty.  Here’s to being more and more ourselves.

Meant for love and beauty

I need you to know
that there is nothing
wrong with you, if you
find the world congealed
and unwieldy. You were
never meant to serve money,
to give loyalty to unprincipled
power, to spend your joy
frantically soothing yourself
in order to tend wounds
of being constantly
dehumanized. I need you
to know that your sense
of injury and anger is not
overdeveloped. You are meant
for love and beauty. You belong
where you are known and
where your future is not just a
resource, but a promise, which
you begin to fulfill by being
unmistakably, irrevocably
yourself.

—you are not wrong.

Theresa Soto

Gratitude

I came across this lovely poem by Barbara Crooker, was touched and reminded of all the many things that I am grateful for.  I give thanks for this poem of gratitude.

Gratitude

This week, the news of the world is bleak, another war
grinding on, and all these friends down with cancer,
or worse, a little something long term that they won’t die of
for twenty or thirty miserable years—
And here I live in a house of weathered brick, where a man
with silver hair still thinks I’m beautiful. How many times
have I forgotten to give thanks? The late day sun shines
through the pink wisteria with its green and white leaves
as if it were stained glass, there’s an old cherry tree
that one lucky Sunday bloomed with a rainbow:
cardinals, orioles, goldfinches, blue jays, indigo buntings,
and my garden has tiny lettuces just coming up,
so perfect they could make you cry: Green Towers,
Red Sails, Oak Leaf. For this is May, and the whole world
sings, gleams, as if it were basted in butter, and the air’s
sweet enough to send a diabetic into shock—
And at least today, all the parts of my body are working,
the sky’s clear as a china bowl, leaves murmur their leafy chatter,
finches percolate along. I’m doodling around this page,
know sorrow’s somewhere beyond the horizon, but still, I’m riffing
on the warm air, the wingbeats of my lungs that can take this all in,
flush the heart’s red peony, then send it back without effort or thought.
And the trees breathe in what we exhale, clap their green hands
in gratitude, bend to the sky.

Barbara Crooker

Pause Power

Taking a simple, brief break before the next task or word is powerful.  It can lead to: more calm, clearer responses and better relationships. It makes a lot of sense  and yet is often hard to do.  Just taking the time now to sense our breath and again and again.  What happens?   Great article:  Power of Pausing

 

From Judging to Curiosity to Acceptance

Sometimes we are so busy seeing only the negative qualities in a relationship that we are at risk of losing the relationship and our own learning.  This does not mean to ignore or accept abuse or violence.  That aside, being curious and accepting others can lead to our own growth and knowledge.   There are times to step back and focus on the good qualities.  This animation cleverly illustrates this:

 

dandelion

Relationship and Self-Awareness

Right Relationship doesn’t begin with the relationship, or even with the other person with whom we want to have that relationship; it begins with us.  Are we awake to where we are and what is going on around us? Are we aware of our attitudes and feelings, and the deeper values, hopes and fears that give rise to them?  The foundational skill for developing and maintaining right relationship is self-awareness.  Self-awareness in basic terms means being in the moment to what we’re feeling and what’s important to us.

From Practicing Right Relationship by Dan Smith and Mary K. Sellon

I believe that the better I know myself the better I can be in relationship with others.  Does this seem counter-intuitive?  The more that I can be nonjudgmental with myself, know and accept my imperfections, the more I can accept others imperfections.  I need to start with my attitudes and prejudices and the lens that I view the world.  I can then better see what is going on around me.  The more self-aware I can be, the more I can fully be me and therefore be fully in relationship.

Self-Care is Not Selfish

lily pad, counseling for self-careWe all need to care for ourselves in an accepting, compassionate way.  Self-care is a life style and not dependent on a product or service that we can buy.  Advertisers may try to convince us otherwise.  Taking time to pause and listen to the wisdom of our bodies  helps to discern what we need which is independent from what the many ads vying for our attention want us to buy.

Gender stereotypes may play a role in how we care for ourselves and others.  Women may feel more obligated to be the caretakers.  Traditionally, men may feel obligated to earn more money so women can be the caretakers.  Roles are changing but we all still need self-care.

Self-care is self-determined.  What helps calm and restore you?  Many people are soothed by a walk in nature.  Others may like yoga or meditation.  We can determine what nourishes us and do more of it.

This linked article is aimed at women and has some good tips for all:  Self-Care for Women.  We need to care for ourselves to feel healthy and vital.   When we feel healthy and alive, we can more readily give our gifts to others.  (Get clear on why to take care of self first.)  Self-care is not selfish.

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